Had I thrown myself
into the river of tears
that comes first of all,
mine would have been a life not
left behind by the one gone

Meaning

Had I thrown myself into the river of tears that comes before all else, mine would have been a life not left behind by the one who went.

Commentary

Part Three: Sawarabi

　On the night before her removal, Kaoru stayed at Uji and talked of Oigimi late into the night. The old gentlewoman Ben, who had taken vows in her grief at Oigimi's death, was called in to join them. She had served the Eighth Prince's household from far back, and it was she who had put Kashiwagi's old letters into Kaoru's hands. This poem is her complaint at having outlived her mistress. Kaoru answered and quieted her, and as she was to stay behind at Uji he began to leave the future of the villa in her charge.

　"The tears that come first of all" are the tears that flow before one can speak. She makes those tears a river and says that had she thrown herself into it she could have died without being left behind. Naramashi is contrary to fact, a wish that cannot be granted. The grief of an old woman whose mistress has died before her sounds all the more real for the extravagance of the river of tears.

Author

Murasaki Shikibu

Source

Genji Monogatari

Other

Had I thrown myself into the river of tears that comes first of all, mine would have been a life not left behind by the one gone

Had I thrown myself
into the river of tears
that comes first of all,
mine would have been a life not
left behind by the one gone