Kazu naranu kokoro no toga ni nashihateji shirasete koso wa mi o mo uramime - Shin Kokin Wakashu(English Translation & Meaning)

数ならぬ心の咎になし果てじ
知らせてこそは身をも恨みめ

Roma-ji: Kazu naranu kokoro no toga ni nashihateji shirasete koso wa mi o mo uramime
English Translation: I will not lay it
on the fault of my worthless heart
and give up at last;
only once I let her know
will I blame myself as well.
Meaning: I will not end it all by blaming the fault of my worthless heart. Only after I have let her know my love will I bring myself to resent my own lot.
Commentary: Book Twelve Love Poems II 1100

Headnote continued from the preceding poem: "Topic unknown."
This is the fourth poem of the sequence on hidden love that can no longer be held back. The speaker refuses to lay a failed love on the fault of a worthless heart, resolving to resent himself only after he has made his love known. The headnote continues from the preceding poem and gives no topic. No author is named in the original; like the preceding poem, it is by Saigyō.
The author is Saigyō; "Hōshi" in the original name means a monk. His lay name was Satō Norikiyo; he served Retired Emperor Toba as a guard of the north quarters but took vows at twenty-three and traveled the provinces composing poems.

The first line, "kazu naranu," means "not worth counting," of no account, speaking of one's lowly station.
The second line, "kokoro no toga ni," means "as the fault of my heart," that is, putting down an unrequited love to the fault of one's own worthless heart.
The third line, "nashihateji," means "I will not settle it so," the poem breaking after the third line with the negative volitional "ji."
The fourth line, "shirasete koso wa," means "only once I have let her know," the particle "koso" forming a bound construction with the perfective "uramime" of the last line. Where the preceding poem wished to brood alone far from others' eyes, this one turns to making love known, so the two poems stand in reversed composition.
The last line, "mi o mo uramime," means "I will resent myself as well," with "me" the perfective form of the volitional "mu." Where the "urami" of poem 1093 in this book was resentment of the beloved, here it is resentment of oneself.
Author: Saigyō
Source: Shin Kokin Wakashu
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