Tachibana no tereru nagaya ni waga ineshi unai hanari ni kami agetsuramu ka

橘の照れる長屋に我が率ねし
童女放髪に髪上げつらむか

Roma-ji: Tachibana no tereru nagaya ni waga ineshi unai hanari ni kami agetsuramu ka
English Translation: At Tachibana,
in the long hall shining bright,
the girl I lay with,
from her loose hair cut at the nape—
has she put her hair up now?
Meaning: The girl I took to lie with in the long hall where the orange trees shine—from her loose, nape-length hair, has she now put it up as a woman?
Commentary: Book Sixteen Poems with Tales of Origin and Miscellaneous Poems 3823

Headnote: "The corrected version runs:"
This is Shiino no Muraji Nagatoshi's revision of the old poem before it, based on his criticism. By changing the temple's long hall to "the long hall where the orange trees shine" and altering a particle to avoid repeating the hairstyle, it corrects the faults of the preceding poem.
It answers the criticism recorded in the left note to the preceding poem: that a temple is no place for laymen to sleep, and that the girl's hairstyle and the putting up of hair should not be stated twice. It is valued as evidence of how poems were revised and critiqued.
Shiino no Nagatoshi held the title Muraji in the Shiino clan; little else is known of him.

First line, "Tachibana no," is the same as in the preceding poem, 3822, but here it shifts from a place name to the orange tree itself.
Second line, "tereru nagaya ni," means "in the long hall where the oranges shine," replacing "tera no nagaya ni" to avoid the awkwardness of lying together in a temple.
Third line, "waga ineshi," means, as before, "the one I took and lay with."
Fourth line, "unai hanari ni," means "from the girl with nape-length hair." Changing wa to ni answers the criticism about repeating the hairstyle.
Final line, "kami agetsuramu ka," is the same as before, "has she put up her hair?" Set side by side, the two poems reveal a revision that alters only the upper half and a particle.
Author: Shiino no Nagatoshi
Source: Manyoshu
Prev Poem: Tachibana no tera no nagaya ni waga ineshi unai hanari wa kami agetsuramu ka
Next Poem: Sashinabe ni yu wakase kodomo Ichiitsu no hibashi yori komu kitsune ni amusamu