Utsutsu nite omoeba iwan kata mo nashi koyoi no koto o yume ni nasabaya - Izumi Shikibu Nikki(English Translation & Meaning)

現にて思へはいはんかたもなし
今宵のことを夢になさはや

Roma-ji: Utsutsu nite omoeba iwan kata mo nashi koyoi no koto o yume ni nasabaya
English Translation: If I take it to be real,
there are no words that I could say;
all that passed tonight—
how I wish that I could make it
nothing but a dream
Meaning: If I think of it as real, there are no words for it; I wish I could turn everything that happened tonight into a dream.
Commentary: 43 The Night He Spoke of Taking Vows

On the night of their exchange about the frosty morning, the prince came to Izumi Shikibu and spoke idly as usual, but then he said forlornly, "If, after I have taken you there, I were to go elsewhere or become a monk and no longer see you, would you think it a betrayal?" Wondering how his intentions had changed, and whether such a thing might really happen, she grew very sad and wept. As sleet fell quietly, the prince did not doze for a moment but went on speaking of moving things, not only of this life but of lives to come. She had made up her mind, she thought, to go into what was little better than unexpected service because he disliked nothing about her and she wished to show him her heart; but if things went this way, she would only end up taking vows herself, as she had long wished. Overcome with sorrow, she said nothing and only grieved.
The woman is Izumi Shikibu, daughter of Ōe no Masamune and, as the wife of Tachibana no Michisada, Governor of Izumi, mother of Koshikibu no Naishi. The Prince of the Dazaifu is Prince Atsumichi, fourth son of Emperor Reizei, so called because he served as Governor-General of the Dazaifu.
After the prince left, Izumi Shikibu, troubled that she had resolved to go, unreliable as it was, at least to ease her loneliness, and now did not know what to do, sent him this poem.
After the poem she wrote, "So I think, but how could I?" and in the margin added "Shikabakari chigirishi mono o sadame naki sa wa yo no tsune ni omoinase to ya," ending with "How disappointing."

The opening lines mean "when I think of it as reality," a conditional of fact, and the third line "there is no way to say it."
The lower verses mean "I wish I could make tonight's events a dream," ending in a particle of one's own wish. His hint of taking vows is too painful to accept as real, so she wishes it could have been a dream, confiding frankly both her deep love for the prince and her unease.
Author: Izumi Shikibu
Source: Izumi Shikibu Nikki
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