Au koto wa tomare kakumare nagekaji o urami taesenu naka to nariseba - Izumi Shikibu Nikki(English Translation & Meaning)

あふ事はとまれかくまれ歎かしを
恨絕えせぬ中となりせは

Roma-ji: Au koto wa tomare kakumare nagekaji o urami taesenu naka to nariseba
English Translation: Whether we may meet
or not, I would not grieve for it,
were it not that we
have come to be a pair whose
resentments never end
Meaning: Whether or not we meet, I would not grieve over that, were it not that ours has become a love in which resentment never ends.
Commentary: 15 The Carriage at the Gate and the Pines of Sue

The night after their moonlit exchange, the prince came to Izumi Shikibu, but she did not know it. Several households lived in different parts of the house, and when his attendant saw the carriage of someone who had come to visit another resident and said, "There seems to be a visitor; there is a carriage," the prince said, "Very well, let us go back," and left. He was displeased to think the rumors were true, yet he had no wish to end things altogether, and so he sent her a letter.
The woman is Izumi Shikibu, daughter of Ōe no Masamune and, as the wife of Tachibana no Michisada, Governor of Izumi, mother of Koshikibu no Naishi. The Prince of the Dazaifu is Prince Atsumichi, fourth son of Emperor Reizei, so called because he served as Governor-General of the Dazaifu.
After a long silence the prince's "Tsurashi tomo mata koishi tomo samazama ni omou koto koso taezezarikeri" arrived. Izumi Shikibu was not without things she might have said, but ashamed to seem too deliberate, she sent back this poem.
Even afterward the prince's visits remained rare. On a moonlit night, lying down, she could not help gazing at the moon, murmuring "how enviable," and this time she herself sent the prince a poem.

The opening lines mean "whether we meet or not," a contracted phrase meaning "be it this way or that." The third line means "I would not grieve," with an auxiliary of negative will and an adversative particle.
The lower verses mean "if we have become a pair whose resentment never ends." Taking up his "never cease" as "never ending," she says that what pains her is not their inability to meet but the thought of a love worn down by suspicion and reproach. Rather than piling up excuses, she quietly reveals her unease about the relationship itself.
Author: Izumi Shikibu
Source: Izumi Shikibu Nikki
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