Utagawaba mata uchimiji to omoedomo kokoro ni kokoro kanawazarikeri - Izumi Shikibu Nikki(English Translation & Meaning)

うたかはゝ又うちみしと思えとも
心に心かなはさりけり

Roma-ji: Utagawaba mata uchimiji to omoedomo kokoro ni kokoro kanawazarikeri
English Translation: Though I tell myself,
should I doubt, I will not again
reproach you for it,
my heart, I find, will not obey
what my own heart desires
Meaning: Though I tell myself that even if I doubt you I will not reproach you again, I find my heart will not do what my heart intends.
Commentary: 34 Rumor and Suspicion

Having resolved to go to the prince's residence, Izumi Shikibu thought that court service was not what she truly wanted at this stage, and that she would rather live in a cave; and yet if more sorrows came, what then? Still, if she were near, she could see how her parents and siblings fared and settle the future of those who were her ties to the world, and so she made up her mind. Until she went, so that no idle rumors might reach his ears, she had her people tell the men who wrote to her that she was away, and sent them no replies. Then a letter came from the prince. It said many things, such as "What a fool I was to rely on you," and ended only with "Very well, then." Her heart sank. There had been many groundless rumors before, but she had let them pass, thinking that what was untrue could not be helped. This time, however, he spoke in earnest, and since some seemed to have caught wind of her resolve, she feared she would become a laughingstock; she was so grieved she could not answer. When the prince wrote again, "Why do you not reply? It makes me think it was true after all. How quickly your heart changes. People told me things; I did not believe them, and only said, if that is how you feel," her heart eased a little, and wanting to know his true feelings, she thought, "If you truly think so."
The woman is Izumi Shikibu, daughter of Ōe no Masamune and, as the wife of Tachibana no Michisada, Governor of Izumi, mother of Koshikibu no Naishi. The Prince of the Dazaifu is Prince Atsumichi, fourth son of Emperor Reizei, so called because he served as Governor-General of the Dazaifu.
To the prince's "Kimi ima wa na no tatsu koto o omoikeru hito kara kakaru kokoro to zo miru," Izumi Shikibu, knowing it was a jest yet still hurt, wrote, "It is still most unjust. Somehow I wish I could show you my heart." In answer, the prince sent this poem.
She replied with "Uramuran kokoro wa tayuru kagiri naku tanomu kimi o zo ware mo utagau." When evening fell the prince came and said, "People are still talking, so I spoke as I did, though I did not believe it. If you do not want such things said, come away with me," and left at dawn.

The opening lines mean "even if I should doubt, I will not reproach you again," with a hypothetical conditional and an auxiliary of negative will. The third line means "though I think so."
The lower verses mean "my heart does not obey my heart," repeating the same word to convey the frustration of reason and feeling at odds, with an auxiliary of realization. Though he resolves not to believe the rumors, suspicion and resentment keep welling up, and behind the teasing his true feelings show through.
Author: Prince Atsumichi
Source: Izumi Shikibu Nikki
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